Painful Reality

((Summary: After a horrific night and witnessing the death of Gabriel, Lexi's exhaustion finally catches up with her. Her sleep is haunted by the nightmarish memories; a painful reality in which there is no escape. She finds comfort in Raph's loyalty, but an unexpected call pours salt into open wounds...))


Continuation from: The Waiting Game

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Though sleep had proven itself almost impossible, the exhaustion finally pulled Lexi under. She found comfort in Raph's embrace, but not even that was enough to chase away the nightmares. She relived the horrible night in her head. Saw it all in vibrant detail. She was right there. So close. So close to saving him, but the Mikko stalled her just long enough for Spike to deliver the fatal wound. A blood-curling scream worked its way out of Lexi's hoarse throat as she quickly sat up, her eyes frantically darting around the room. Searching for any sign that it had all been just a horrible nightmare. Her trembling hands pulled her knees against her chest as she tried to steady herself, tears forcing their way between her tightly closed eyelids.'It's just a dream.. it's not real...he's not gone..' She tried to convince herself, but as she willed her eyes to open,she was met with the horrible reminders. The blood that still coated her skin met her blood-shot gaze. And once again, her body trembled with suffocating sobs.




*Raphael made sure she was asleep before he allowed his eyes to close but not long after that Lexi's screams woke him. His eyes flew open as his startled gaze saw her huddled form sitting on the bed. The room was dark besides from the lights of the city coming through the window. He sat up and placed an arm around her and was certain that this was the start of many sleepless nights. Her words hurt him deeply, he felt responseible for her watching him die and wished that he would have stoped her from going all together. Guilt was definatly setting in now. He wasn't sure what to say this was not something he had trained for and was still trying to get to know her better before all this happened which made this more difficult. He held her against his plastron trying to keep her from trembling.*





Lexi melted against his chest, struggling to get herself under control. She hated this, feeling so out of control of herself. She had always been the strong one, but ever since her return back to New York, life seemed determined to break her. The rape had nearly broken her. But watching a loved one die, to be there and so close to saving him, no pain could compare to that. She wished she could burn the memory from her mind. She had been foolish to return to the city. This was the very thing she had ran from, and yet fate held such cruel timing. Lexi was quiet for a long moment, only the sounds of her muffled sobs filled the dimly lit room. Raph was silent, but he spoke volumes through his gestures. He vaguely reminded her of Ezekiel in that instant. Strong and caring, but words often failed him. She struggled hard to compose herself. To speak, despite the fire in her throat and lungs. The crushing weight on her heart. "I'm..so sorry, Raph." She whispered as she looked up at him through tear-filled eyes, apologetic. "You..shouldn't have to deal with this."




*He stayed close to her with his head resting on hers.* "Its alright babe, sorry ya have ta go through this shit." *He whispered back to her. He had become very attached to her since there first meeting and their relationship just sort of happened. Their 'one night stand' two months ago had created an invisible loving bond, that he had never voiced to her before.*





Lexi remained resting against hischest, unable to find her voice again. She could make out the sound ofhis heart beating against his plastron. A comforting, lulling sound.The sound of life. Something to focus on, as she was surrounded by death. In this moment, she was reminded of her growing feelings for him. And that was frightening. She had never wanted to become close to another living being again. But she had already surrendered to him, even if she couldn't realize it just yet. She felt it. After a moment,she finally found her voice, speaking through a quiet whisper. "Thank you. For not leaving."





*He took a deep breath enjoying the closeness between them at themoment. It had seemed to long since they had been this close though he wished it were under better circumstances. He had done well to push back any lustful thoughts to the back of his mind, considering how she was barely dressed. Right now she needed him and his loyalty to her kept him there.* "I ain't goin' anywhere.."





Lexi held to his words, though she had heard them before. From Ezekiel. A small frown pulled at her lips as she once again found herself comparing Raph to him. "I hope you won't." She breathed quietly, more to herself. She wanted to believe in him. Needed to. He was her only comfort. Her rock. The only one with the strength to see her through this. It was a heavy burden to carry. A lesser man would run. She managed a small glance at her clock, sighing inwardly at the time. It was early morning, but she had no will to start this painful day. But sleep was out of the question. Still, she knew Raph must be exhausted."You sleepy?"





*He didn't say anything to her comment but instead gave her shoulder a light squeeze. He was still tired and after glancing at the clock he couldn't believe just how late..or early it was.*"Naw.." *He lied holding back a yawn he was used to staying up late but not so used to getting straight out of bed.*





Lexi gently pushed him back to lay on the bed, then snuggled close to him. She had no desire to move just yet, and was content to stay here, with him. She nearly jumped when her cell phone began to ring, and she cast a tired look in the night-stand's direction. She wanted to ignore it, but slowly reached for the phone, and answered weakly. "Hello?"



"It's Mikko I need you to come to the vets office by my house. See if you can calm Jigs down." Mikko paused for a moment. "And don't get any funny ideas. I signed the papers already." Though her eyes widen at the mention of payment. crap. "The dog's mine. So don't come down here thinking you can just take him. got it. He's my dog now."



Raphael allowed her to push him back and he layed there on his side. He closed his eyes for a moment but the loud ringing caught him off guard. He groaned as Lexi sat up to answer it and he wondered who would be calling her at this hour.



Lexi was caught off guard by the voice on the other end. Anger quickly filled her, but she was taken aback by Mikko's words. She had Jigs? He was alive? She felt a small tinge of hope in that instant, and Mikko quickly scuffed it from her with her claim. It took her a moment to catch her breath. "You... killed him. He needed you and you held us back." She managed through quiet sobs. "You're cruel. You're heartless to call here, trying to trick me into thinking you have the last piece of him."



"What the hell are you talking about. the dog is right here. I'm just saying that you can't keep him. Get a hold of yourself woman!" Mikko snapped. "You coming or not? look want proof?" She quickly used her cell's camera and took a picture of the dog then sent it to her. "There. I sent you a picture."



Lexi didn't want to believe it. It was less painful to think that Jigs had accompanied Gabriel in death, rather than being in the care of the girl that had killed his master. The girl that feared him. But the picture was proof. She wanted to block it out. Why the hell did Mikko have to call? She wasn't strong enough for this right now. To have that last shred of hope taken from her, dangled in front of her by the girl who'd taken everything from her. But the picture was proof. And as much as she wanted to turn away, to refuse to go down there in order to be hurt again. This was Jigs. He was no doubt scared and in the possession of a person that didn't love or understand him. "I'm on my way." With that, she closed the phone and looked at Raph. "I have to go. Mikko has Jigs." Of course, she wouldn't mind his company and support, but knew how dangerous public settings could be for him. And she was sure to cause a scene.

((Summary: Two hours after leaving, Raph calls to check up on Lexi, and learns of Jig's condition.))

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Continuation from: Personal Demons

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*It was hard to let her go off again seeing the state she was in but he knew he couldn't convince her otherwise. He couldn't go with her this time it was too light out and where she was going was very public. It was definatly the downside of being a mutant. So he was yet again stuck waiting for her to return, he hated this he just didn't have enough patients. For awhile he sat on the couch and dozed off while Cops was playing on the T.V. But he soon woke up after an hour or so and was starting to worry about her she was taking too long! He paced around the apartment for another ten minutes before he realized he had her cell number and felt stupid for not thinking of calling her before. He went back to the bedroom and grabbed his cell as he sat back down on the bed. He looked through his contacts and found her name before clicking on it and waited impatiently for her to answer.*




Lexi had attempted to leave in order to get the food that she hoped would encourage Jigs to eat. But she hadn't made it a few blocks away when she received a call from one of the technicians, requesting that she return immediately.She sounded frantic, which caused Lexi to worry. Had something happened to Jigs? Her heart beat wildly within her chest, fearing that small shred of comfort that she had found in Gabriel's dog would be ripped from her. She returned to the vets office, and was shown the damage the dog had done to himself, in an attempt to chew through the bars. Despite his weakness, he was trying to escape. His gums were cut and bleeding, the heavy metal bars bent from his weak efforts. If he had been stronger, he would've made it through. But his determination hadn't faltered, even as the physical effort threatened to do him in. He was stressed here, surrounded by the unfamiliar faces and smells. He calmed the moment Lexi came into sight, and once again she tried to soothe him. The vet approached her with concern. "I wanted to keep him at least another day, to keep an eye on him." He began. "But it's clear he won't recover here, he's doing himself more harm. Plus, he's a risk to my staff." The vet sighed deeply. "If you would be comfortable taking him home today, I think that would be in his best interest."Lexi listened, slightly concerned that his condition could worsen without the experience of a vet. But it was clear that Jigs would rather die than stay here. She gave a small nod, but before she could say anything, her cell phone grabbed her attention. She slowly reached for it with her free hand, answering quietly. "Hello?"




*He was relieved to hear her voice on the phone, at least that meant she was okay.* "Hey babe where ya at?"




Hearing Raph's voice and realizing how worried he must have been, Lexi wished that she had called him, to fill him in. But her mind had been too flooded, and dealing with the emotions had been a huge distraction. "Still at the vet's office." She informed him. "Mikko wasn't going to let me have him, but she changed her mind." She continued to stroke the dog's head, and attempted to wipe the blood from his massive jaws with a towel that one of the techs had handed her. "He's in pretty bad shape. The gangs had to go through him before they could touch Gabe." Her voice broke a little with the mention of his name. "I'm bringing him home."




"Wha' d' a bitch!" *He commented with a hint of venom in his voice. Mikko really had a lot of nerve trying to keep that dog! He was surprised the dog had made it and wasn't exactly sure if it was a good idea to bring him back now.* "How are ya gonna get 'em 'ere?" *He asked concerned it was a big dog after all how was she going to carry him?*




That was a very good question. Jigs weighed a good 75 pounds. And that would be 75 pounds of dead weight. But where there was a will, there was a way. "I'm sure one of the doctors can carry him to my car. If not, I'm sure they have stretchers. Then when I get there... maybe you could help me?" Raph could certainly lift seventy-five pounds with no problem. But there was one huge problem. She was sure that Jigs wouldn't let Raph touch him."I could borrow a muzzle so he won't eat you.."




"That's fine jus' make sure ya get that muzzle." *He said flatly he could already tell how this was going to go. He wasn't exactly good with animals.*





"Thanks, babe." Lexi replied, relieved by his willingness to help, even though the dog would react negatively to him.  "I have to make one quick stop once I leave, then I'll be home. Jigs is a sucker for Taco Bell." She managed a small grin at that. "Gabe was a bad influence... but he spoiled him." It wasn't healthy for a dog.. or people for that matter, but if it would get the pit bull to eat, she would try anything. "You hungry?"  

((Summary: Lexi returns to the apartment with a badly injured Jigsaw. Raph assists by carrying the pit bull into the apartment, and the two try to make him comfortable. Lexi hopes that offering the dog his favorite treat will encourage him to eat, but his grief is still too fresh.))

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"Taco Bell? My knida dog." *He joked it was strange but who was he to judge. He was getting pretty hungry and just remembered how long it has been since the last time he ate.* "Uh sure get me a' couple of them crunch wraps."






"Will do. I'll see you soon, babe." With that, she slid the cell phone back into her purse, and looked at Jig's doctor, who was offering her the muzzle. "Here, put this on him, and I'll remove the IV's." Lexi gave a nod, then whispered a small apology to the dog as she slipped the thick leather over his muzzle, and buckled the fastenings around his neck. At least he wasn't fighting it, as if he could sense he was leaving this place. Once he was secure, the vet began unhooking the IV's and removing the catheters. He wrapped a decorative-patterned bandage around the injection sight, then cautiously scooped the dog up into his arms. "Just show me where you parked." Lexi did just that, opening all doors that stood between them and her vehicle. Luckily she wasn't parked far from the building. Once Jigs was carefully loaded into the back seat, Lexi removed the muzzle, then made a quick stop at Taco Bell. Afterwards, she headed back to the apartment. She knew it would cause Jigs distress if she left him in order to get Raph. So she pulled her cell and dialed his number, waiting for him to answer...




*Raphael hung up and went back to the living until he got another call he looked at the caller ID and grinned.* "Hey babe ya 'ere yet?"




"Yeah, I'm outside." Lexi informed. "I need some muscles out here." She leaned over the back seat to stroke the dog, hoping to put him at ease. She dreaded placing that muzzle back on him, but she wouldn't risk Raph getting bitten. Jigs hardly knew him, after all.




"Be right down." *He said before hanging up and getting his clothes. He made sure he was perfectly coved before heading out into the hallway and down the stairs. The sun stung his eyes as he openned the back entrance and stepped outside. He saw Lexi's car in the parking lot and walked towards it.*





"I'm sorry, boy." Lexi whispered to the dog as she slipped the muzzle into place, and once again fastened it around his neck. "Just once more, I promise." She gave him another pat on the head before exiting the vehicle, and moved to open the back door as Raph approached. "Just remember, be calm.. " She told Raph, feeling slightly on edge about this. The dog wasn't too good with strangers, especially if he could sense their negativeness.




*Raphael approached the car and got his first good look at Jigs.*"Damn..this dog's tougher then he looks." *He was in disbelief that the Jigs was still breathing. He took a step closer and reached for Jigs,he felt fine since Jigs had on that muzzle and was even starting to feel bad for the little guy. Raphael tried to be as careful as he could as he slid his arms under Jigs body and lifted him with ease.*




 A low, threatening growl emitted from the pit bull's muzzled jaws as Raph approached. He tried to open his jaws, to lash out, but found himself constricted. "Shh.. it's okay, boy.." Lexi tried to soothe, hovering close as Raph scooped him up. That, coupled with the fact that Raph felt no fear towards him calmed him some. Still, he was uncomfortable of this, being carried by a stranger, but he made no effort to wiggle free. He was too drained, and a part of him seemed to understand that Raph was trying to help. At least Lexi was close, and he knew she wouldn't let anything happen to him. Lexi grabbed the bag of food, then moved ahead of Raph, opening doors for him. Once inside, she quickly placed several thick quilts on the floor in the main room. "I think he'll be most comfortable here." 




*Raphael carried Jigs up to the apartment and tried his best not to hurt him. He was glad that Lexi was so quick with the blankets. He walked over and layed Jigs down and took a step back to let Lexi do the rest.*





After Raph placed Jigs down on the blankets, Lexi knelt beside him, trying to make him as comfortable as possible. She carefully removed the muzzle, ready to hold him back if he decided to make any advances at Raph, but he made no effort to move. He stared at Raph for a long moment, almost sizing him up. But Lexi didn't seem tense around this stranger, and he wasn't running in fear, so he gave up the stare-down, and rested his head between his paws. Lexi pulled out the two chicken burritos for Jigs, then handed the rest of the food to Raph. Once again, her attention returned to the pit bull. She unwrapped the Mexican treats, breaking them up into tiny, bite-sized pieces. Jigs didn't even look up as the smell met his sensitive nose, but Lexi wasn't detoured. She picked up a small piece, and held it to his mouth, hoping and praying he would take it from her. A deep frown crossed her features when Jigs rejected his favorite food, giving a low whimper. There was only one thing he wanted, and his scent wasn't here.

As things began to become more heated, Lexi's emotions became overwhelming. Her mind continued to torment her, reminding her of the passion she'd shared with the one she'd lost. The one she'd hurt. The perfectly good heart she had broken. Choking back her emotions, she kissed Raph with intense passion, but her emotions continued to torment her. She could almost feel Gabe's lips against hers, feel his warm breath against her skin, His scent lingered in her mind, playing into her tormenting illusion. And his quiet, passionate whispers.. it was more than she could take. A sudden, choked sob broke through the kiss, and her tear-filled eyes fluttered open.



"I'm.. so sorry.." She managed to whisper in between heart-wrenching sobs, pulling away from him. "I ..can't do this. Not.. right now.." She met his gaze, conveying her deep apology through relentless tears that brimmed her eyes, rolling in mascara-smeared streams down her cheeks. Wanting to spare him of her emotional torment, she quickly spun and disappeared into her bedroom.

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Several hours later...



Countless hours had been spent, going through old photo albums as she searched for pictures of Gabriel to display at the memorial that would be held tomorrow. It was a painful process, unearthing more raw emotions, feelings and memories. She sat in the middle of her bed, photos surrounding her on the silk satin sheets. Precious moments immortalized on paper, more precious than gold. It all seemed so distant. Like a dream. But now she was living a nightmare..


Lexi sobbed quietly as she pulled another photo from the protective clear cover of the album. A shot of Gabriel holding a one week old Isabella. Even in his awkwardness and fears, he looked so natural. The tears came harder. It all seemed so unfair. He had a natural gift, and yet-- he would never get the chance to be a father. Her thoughts briefly shifted to his two babies that would never know him, and her heart broke for them. They had been denied the right to be a part of his life, to experience his genuinely good heart. And now, she would never get the chance to share with him the secret that had nearly killed her. There was so many regrets to deal with, and it was all building up, threatening to suffocate her...


The small screen of her cell phone had been flashing for hours, but in her emotional state, she just now noticed it. She wiped at the tears as she reached for the tiny device, squinting her hazy eyes to recognize the number. She was hesitant to return the call, but a nagging voice in the back of her mind insisted. Though, a part of her would always hold Mikko responsible, she knew that Gabriel would want Mikko at his memorial. She was a part of his family. A part of his heart. Lexi would do it, for him. After trying to compose herself, she dialed the number, and waited for Mikko to answer.


But before he could say anything else, he heard Mikko's cell ring. 'Who could that be...' he wondered and pulled out the phone, checking the caller ID. It read Lexi. So she was calling him back...good. Feeling some relief that it was a friend, more or less, he answered. "Hello?"


"May I speak to Mikko?" Lexi requested, her tone drained from the countless hours of crying.


Chris glanced over at Mikko to see if she was in any condition to even form complete thoughts at this point. And Chris didn't think so. "I'm not sure you can. She's in the middle of a meltdown," he explained, frowning deeply in worry.


Of course, Lexi had no way of knowing of all that had happened. Her T.V. had been turned off after seeing a a piece on the news, showing clips and pictures of her own meltdown, back at the hospital. She figured Mikko's trauma had something to do with her brother's death. Maybe it was finally hitting her. She sighed deeply at that. "Just let her know I returned her call, and that her brother's funeral is tomorrow."


Chris nodded again. "Okay." He was a little surprised that Lexi didn't ask what exactly was wrong, but he knew both girls were suffering from recent events. Only Mikko got a double-whammy... But keeping in mind of Lexi's mental status, he asked her, "How you holding up?"


Chris' frown deepened when he saw Mikko bolt from the bed and try to get the door open. He quickly covered the mouthpiece of the cell and called out to her. "Mikko! What's wrong?" Now he was getting scared. First, she had no response whatsoever, then now she's running away from invisible demons. He was fully prepared to run after her if he needed to. He just hoped he didn't have to. If she got out, who knows where she would go?


Lexi wasn't expecting the question, figuring they didn't care what she was going through. Mikko hated her, so she expected them all to. "Barely." She answered honestly. "I guess it'll just take time." She wiped at her tears, and continued going through photos. She still had so many preparations to make, and she wasn't mentally strong enough to do this on her own. But she had no other choice. But then, she heard Chris calling out to Mikko, and her brows furrowed in confusion. Obviously this was a bad time, for both of them.



At this point, Chris was only half-listening to Lexi's reply to his question. He still had the phone pressed tightly to his ear, but his mind was more focused on Mikko now. To his relief, the doctor was there to intercept her before she could get far. Then came the part he was dreading--but knew it was coming after he gave the doctor all that information about Mikko. It was only a matter of time before the connected they dots. He had forgotten he was still on the phone while he listened to Mikko's fate. If she went back there, then they were back to square one about Travis. They would take him away from her for sure. Even if Chris found somewhere to live, he wasn't financially stable enough to raise a child. No matter how much he wanted to. Still with the mouthpiece covered, he moved over to Mikko again and put a hand soothingly on her back. "It's gonna be alright, babe. They'll help you get through this." Something Chris wished desperately that he could do. Guess he'll just have to leave it to the professionals now. He would figure something out in the meantime.


Lexi's brows furrowed, unable to make out what was going on. Obviously it was a bad time. But at least she had done her part. She had given him the message about the funeral. That weight was off her chest, knowing she had done what Gabriel would've expected of her. Figuring Chris was too distracted to hear her 'goodbyes', she hung up. With a heavy sigh, she continued sorting through the painful memories, choosing those that best represented her ex-lover. With any luck, she would have everything gathered for tomorrow.


But at least she was getting her way. Gabriel's mother had agreed to leave Lexi in charge of the arrangements. It would be her last gift to him.